i was never good at asking for what i want. and i don’t think i was ever that great at showing affection. and it took someone i really care about to point that out to me. thinking things over, i can’t help but wonder if that was the reason my ex … is my ex. he never gave me a reason other than "something’s missing" and our relationship had "become too much work" – and we were only together for 4 months. too much work… yet i was the one who always went out to him.
if he had told me the truth, that it was indeed me and not him, sure, i would’ve been devastated, and i would’ve hated him for it, but i would have learned from it and things now would be different. he still broke my heart, and i still hate him (for different reasons) but it didn’t help me to change as a person. i still struggle with blunt affection. i guess i take it for granted that what i do on a regular basis is good enough. but it’s more than that.
i’ve been hurt and disappointed too many times by so many ppl, in so many different ways that i expect that now, so i lose my enthusiasm and passion about things. instead, i ask half-heartedly for things, not expecting anyone to really follow through, and i brace myself for the disappointment when it doesn’t happen. and the barrier continues to grow.
i wish i could rewind to when things mattered. i wish i could see the world through a toddler’s eyes with awe and wonderment.
i wish this feeling of loneliness would just die.
today, i have to face work with a smile and hope that no one can see that i’m hurting inside – i’m not good at hiding that either.
today, i’d rather be alone.
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I just want to say that I regret that I didn\’t realize what an amazing, interesting person you were when we dated. I think that relationships are incredibly difficult things to understand and it takes a tremendous amount of effort, dedication and faith to make them work. Lord knows I\’ve learned SO much from the mistakes I\’ve made in my attempts at love… and there have been many!
When I read that you are feeling hurt inside I can only say that I empathize. I know that feeling and I feel the same way! So don\’t despair Cindy… all you have to do is reach out and talk to those who care about you. I suspect there are more people who do than you would believe!
*hugs*