i’ve often wondered: if i had the determination, courage and discipline to have pursued a career as a visual artist, would i be in a happier place than i’m in today? it’s hard to say, really. i know that a lot of ppl dream of a career of doing something that they love for a living, and some ppl are lucky enough to have that. is it too late for me? i guess not. but the fear is still there. that fear of the unknown, the fear of failure, the fear of letting go.
i had a thought yesterday driving home from my parents’ place in Milton: maybe happiness is in doing things that i wouldn’t normally do, going to functions/parties/gatherings i wouldn’t usually go to. i used to go out a lot on my own, and i had fun. one of the problems with being in a relationship is when i want to go out and share experiences with the one i’m supposed to be sharing a life with, if he doesn’t want to share those experiences with me, what to i do? go out and try to enjoy myself wishing he was with me to see a side of me he rarely ever sees – or probably doesn’t even know exists? maybe tonight i’ll go out and make it a point not to think about what it would be like if he was with me. instead, i’ll do what i did so many years ago: just go out to have fun and dance and watch people.
it just makes me sad to feel like i’m in this relationship but living seperate lives. is it just me, or is this more common than i realize?
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