a reminder

more of a note than a poem, really…

 

i don’t have big boobs or a bubble butt

but i do have a big heart

so respect me and make me feel sexy

and i may just stick around

 

mistreat me or give me a reason to mistrust

and i will walk away.

my apology

i have hurt someone very close to me. all as a result of trying to protect myself. and now i hurt more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. i never thought i’d feel so broken-hearted again and i’m finding it really hard to get through this.

 

i pushed you away and nothing that i do or say can express the regret and the heartache that i feel.

i have been selfish. i am a selfish person. i don’t deserve your generosity or your pity or your love.

i have hit the bottom and i have nowhere to go.

 

i feel like i’ve lost you, and if this is true, please, be happy and successful. work at achieving your dreams.

 

i miss you.

i love you, always.

itching to write something…

these past 2 days, i’ve been brewing up some thoughts that i wanted to get down in a journal of some kind – and since i type faster than i can write, i thought i’d add it here. however, i can’t spend all the time i need right now to write this out so i will return with a lengthy entry updating certain events in my life and some of the somewhat profound (or not) thoughts (for lack of a better word at the moment) tossing around in my head.

so, loooong time, no blog…

yes, yes, it’s been such a long time since i’ve added to this site. my reason: i haven’t really been motivated to post anything up here. i guess the old days of updating here almost daily have long died off – what with my old job getting busy, and now that i’m working in a factory and i’m nowhere near a computer with internet access at work, and i rarely ever turn my home computer on when i’m not working… that was a long run-on… what was i saying again???

 

anyways, not much to report, i suppose. been busy living and trying to get my mind in order in the process. the state of my bedroom has suffered somewhat as i’ve accumulated some clutter in the passed months (perhaps an outward reflection on the thoughts accumulated in my head as well?)

 

many projects on the go as well as in planning mode…

 

painting is on hold (has been for a while now) i’m still knitting… silk screening is still going on somewhere in there as well, and i’ve acquired quite the video game collection (not as much as my dvd and cd collections, but the v/g’s are making an appearance and starting to take up a corner in my room… do i have time to play these games? hardly, but they’re there if i ever feel the need.) i’m still a movie addict tho.

 

life, i guess u could say, is good, and, while i never could quite get the "happy" in my life, i am getting there. i can’t (or do not wish to) explain what that’s supposed to mean, but the ppl i love the most might understand what i mean and that’s all that really matters.

 

that’s all for now, perhaps i will post more in another 6 months (or whatever.)

in the meantime, live, love, and smile. there’s always tomorrow.

 

 

there’s hope for me yet…

or is there?

so many things going on… it always seems that way. i feel the pressures of life, but they’re not really pressures, are they? it’s something i put on myself – "you do it to yourself, you do, and that’s what really hurts… you do it to yourself, you stupid girl!"

 

alas, one more day of work to get thru, then i’m off for 6 days (not including weekends and the holiday) about 60-65% of which will be spent on set doing make-up (and maybe other things) for this movie… small steps to something better (for me, for us, for everyone involved in this little production)

 

i feel a change in direction is needed, but i’m always tethered to the security of this job. yes, as sad as it is, i don’t feel like i have a future here. i want to be out there, being creative, enjoying what i do – or doing what i enjoy. it’s the sagittarian (& horse) in me, i suppose – not feeling tied down. and, in my current job situation, i feel … stagnant.

 

so, i keep telling myself: try to look ahead. don’t let anything or anyone hold you back.

 

it’s not easy. but i’m trying.

just some thoughts

i hardly write anything anymore. and when i do, it’s nothing profound or that interesting to read. i dunno, maybe you (whoever you may be), reading this right now, find my words interesting, but … i definitely feel like my job’s become this plug in my once semi-creative life.

 

for a while now – many, many, many months – i’ve been going over my options in my head. yes, i have a business in the works, but no real education towards owning or running a business. too many things going on in my brain. i find it hard to focus on anything really important. all i want to do, actually, is knit. but i can’t neglect the everyday tasks that take up my time.

 

work. not really a motivator in my life anymore… and was it ever? really? yes, i suppose so. it was, once upon a time, a means to some financial security. but now, the lack of job satisfaction is over-ruling my want of financial security.

 

i need to look at other options to getting financial support that will also allow me to pursue a field in creativity.

i should go back to school.

 

i know this job is holding me back. the question is: do i simply let go of this pseudo-secure job and see where that freedom takes me, or do i choose to continue my miserable existance in this desk/warehouse position and snail thru life hoping to one day achieve … something other than this…?

 

i think i know the answer… it’s just mustering the courage to actually take the steps toward a more fulfilling life…

business stuff?

well, not quite…

 

so, lots to update on…

registered a biz back in feb. WERID – as in We R ID. concentrating on silk screening (my bf’s specialty), designing all sorts of merch-type stuff for ourselves and promo stuff for new artists/companies on a low budget… there’s a wide range of things we’d like to do. right now, we’re getting our footing, starting off small. we have quite a few ideas so far – i’ve been knitting up a storm too! (damn, knitting really is addictive!)

 

hmm… well, was that really lots in an update? no, i guess not… but it’s quite a major thing.

 

also, catching up with friends, i’ve come to realize that i know a lot of ppl in the film industry! well, a handful of unknowns in the film industry, but still…

 

it’s all about networking…

this feels like the beginning of something big…